So many gadgets

If there is some appeal to running for me, it is that it is simple and pure, easy.  Throw on some shoes and just run.  (of course, when I ran in Cocoa Beach, there was a guy who ran the entire 13.1 miles barefoot.  In fact, he was wearing a pair of shorts and nothing else.)... so you see, you don't even need shoes.  Just decide you want to run and well... run.

As I look at my arsenal and try to figure out what is the best combination of all of this paraphernalia, I am struck by how complicated it all is.  I have my iPhone 6 plus that contains MapMyRun and Strava and Runkeeper and RockMy Run and Garmin Connect.  It has all of my music and Pandora and the Health App.  I have my Apple Watch Series 1 that syncs with my phone and all of those above listed apps.  The watch measures my run time and split time and heart rate and Lord knows what else.  I have the new (to me) Garmin Forerunnner 920XT with the heart rate monitor.  This little gadget gives me Average Pace, Average Moving Pace, Best Pace, Avg. Speed, Avg. Moving Speed, Max Speed, Total Time, Moving Time, Elapsed Time, Avg. Heart Rate, Max Heart Rate, Training Effect, Avg. Run Cadence, Max Run Cadence, Avg. Stride Length, Avg Vertical Ratio, Avg. Vertical Oscillation, Avg, GC Time Balance, Avg Ground Contact Time, Elevation Gain, Elevation Loss, Min Elevation, Max Elevation, Calories Burned.  It tells me the last book I read, the number of negative thoughts I have about others, sins committed, food cravings, and regulates my bowel movements... and those are just the stats on the running portion.

 
I have ear buds everywhere.  I have wired earbuds that came with the phone,  I have wireless earbuds that connect with Bluetooth.  I have noise cancellation ear buds.

I have arm bands and wires and clips and monitors and gadgets, gadgets, gadgets.  I am not even sure what most of it does or how I would utilize the data?  Are any of you impressed when I boast that my average vertical oscillation is 10cm or that my training effect of my last run last night is a whopping 5?  My heart rate during my run was 147 bpm on average.  What does that tell me?  My heart was beating.  I guess that is good.  It was beating faster than normal.  I suppose that is normal.  I was, after all running.

When did it get so complicated?  And is this data important for a novice like me?

I bought a $70 pair of running shorts recently.  It has pockets for energy gel packets.  I was custom fitted for a pair of running shoes.  They were $120.  I can no longer wear cotton socks. Heck, I now own and wear compression sleeves for my calves.  I have any number of wicking shirts and wicking shorts and wicking socks and wicking calf sleeves.  Everything is wicking.  Where does all of the sweat go when it is wicked off?

That reminds me of an old Saturday Night Live sketch with Roseanne Roseannadanna that used to crack me up.  I tried to find the video and embed it here, but I could not find it, so it won't be nearly as funny to you as it was to me.  She talks about picking her nose and getting a booger and rolling it around and around in her fingers until it disappears.  Where does it go?

Anyway, all of these gadgets are crazy.  I want it simple.  I want to just go out and run.  If I get tired, I slow down or stop.  If my heart starts beating too fast, I slow down or stop or maybe die.  Would one of you please pick me up and take me to the hospital or morgue or something?  Of course, I do this to myself.  I say that I want it simple.  I COULD be like the guy at the Cocoa Beach run. I COULD just go out and run naked... but I DO have certain things that I want when I am running.  Maybe one of you really smart people could invent this for me.  I want music.  I HATE to hear myself pant.  It makes me tired.  If I can play the music really loudly, then I drown out my panting and gasping for air and I do not get as tired.  I also want to know how fast I am going.  But not in mph,  How does that help me?  Then I would have to do the math, and I don't know about you, but my math skills are less than stellar when I am oxygen and nutrient deprived.  Also, I need for my mile times and split times to be given to me audibly.  I am getting old and my arms are getting shorter.  I can no longer see in the dark or when I am tired.  My eyes cannot read the tiny, little, dark fine print, and I am not about to start wearing my cheaters while I am running.  And the last thing I want.  I want to have all of these things without having to cart my phone around.   I don't think I am asking too much.  I have all of this very expensive, fancy gadgetry that tells me all of this incredible and useless data.  It seems pretty simple to me.  Why can I not have a watch that plays Pandora or some music list through my wireless Bluetooth earbuds and give me my split times audibly through the same ear buds and not have to carry around my phone that is the size of many people's tablets?  Or am I missing something?  Maybe it would be a good idea to have my phone with me in case I wanted or needed to call an Uber or an ambulance.